On Sunday night my son and I finally decorated our christmas tree. Another in the list of "first time doing this thing without Rick" things that we've found ourselves having to get through this year. I knew it was going to be difficult. But Im honestly not sure I realized how tough it would actually be.
It took us hours. HOURS. We assembled the artificial tree, and I strung it with lights. Lights that worked prior to putting them on the tree, then, once deliberately and thoughtfully put in their place, didnt work. Well, some of them worked. But approximately one third of them, a random bunch in the middle of one string of lights, did not. Eerie. I'll admit, I "yelled" at Rick for leaving me with the task of doing the lights on the tree, then set about trying to fix them. Before I got the strand completely off the tree it decided to work, so I restrung them and we proceeded with the ornaments.
We got a few on the tree, then I came upon one that belonged to Rick, and burst into tears. Jaden came over and put his arm around me, and we sat on the floor together and cried for a few minutes. I wish I could say this only happened once, but it happened over and over as we decorated the tree. The ornament we bought in 2006, inscribed with Rick's name and the year, that we gave him as a present. He cried when he opened the box and saw the ornament, and when I asked why he was crying he said it was because he knew it meant we were a family. Seeing it this year made me cry. So did the ornament that said, on the bottom "Ricky 1980 Love Mommy & Daddy". And the ornament that Rick & I bought last year at Oglebay, where we spent my birthday. And on and on and on as we put the ornaments on the tree.
What some people may not know about my husband is that he LOVED christmas. He loved the decorations and the presents and pretty much everything about it. We hung his stocking this year, and his ornaments, each one a memory of a time we shared with Rick.
Im not sure how things will go once the holiday is actually here, but know we will be painfully aware of Rick's absence. I do remain grateful for the three wonderful, beautiful and special christmases that we had together.
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Oh Charissa...I just wish you were here so I could give you a big fat hug!!! It seems we're all having to go through these major firsts...and it just sucks! I'm about to clear out Jason's house, you're dealing with this stuff, and Casey - the new widow I mentioned in my blog - is dealing with her first birthday without her husband tomorrow.
ReplyDeleteWe're all broken. But, as I was just telling Casey... we're going to get through this one day at a time. It's ok if we break down. It's ok if we're sad. We have to be. We have to feel this. We'd be crazy if we didn't.
But, the common thread in what I just said...is the word WE. You're not alone in this, and even though I'm in Texas...I'm standing right behind you on this journey. I'm here for you, and I know you can do this. Look at what you've done already!
Last Christmas, I had to put up Jason's tree because he was too weak from his recent stem cell transplant. I'm Jewish, so I'm not good at this stuff at all...and it didn't make it easy that this was one of Jason's favorite things to do - like Rick. He sat there crying helplessly as I cried my way through decorating the tree. I hated it all at that time, but now, I would give anything to have that back.
Hang in there, and again...a BIG hug to you and Jaden.