hey jenn..

I bailed on going to the funeral home tonight for Jenn. I thought about it all day, and at one point seemed to hear this voice in my head say "I wouldnt be there either if I didnt have to be." I like to think that was Jenn giving me permission to stay home and do this instead. So, Im going to write back to her email, and hopefully feel a little better about all of this in the process.



hey jenn..

christmas was ok, thanks for asking. you know, it was ok as it can be, without my cute husband there, as excited as a little kid, making the whole day feel special and fun. it was weird to not have presents under the tree for me. but we had a nice time, jaden and i. i let him stay in his pajamas and play video games ALL DAY. we had some visitors but mostly it was quiet and enjoyable.

im glad you read Kairol's blog and that what Rick had to say resonated with you. i try really hard to not use the word "battle" when i talk about Rick's experience. especially when i talk about his death. ive replaced "lost his battle with cancer" to "died after living with cancer for nearly ten years". to say he lost a battle just sounds like he was waiting around to die, and thats obviously not true. he did more living in those years than a lot of people ever do. he made decisions about his health and ultimately, his death, and i respect every one of them. he had a job to do, and he did it, and i couldnt be more proud of him.

anyway. im really excited that you and john got involved in what im doing, and i appreciate your enthusiam to help beyond what you wrote for the booklet. its a wee bit cynical, but not too bad ;) its your story, and its honest, and i think its great. i feel really honored that you were so open and honest and that you worked up the guts to write it. i know it couldnt have been easy. i hope you know that just writing that story was such a giant contribution. its everything. it helps me realize a vision that i have for this booklet and what it can be for people. and that, my friend, is more than enough.

you know, i had this really intense moment at Rick's viewing in March, where i realized that the entire funeral bit is so much more for the living than the dead. i went through the motions and spent most of those two days comforting other people. i mourn and grieve in my own way, every day, and feel like i honor him as much as i possibly can through the way i live my life. i feel pretty confident that you get why im at home tonight, and not at your viewing. this is how i knew you, these emails, words, and it seemed like the most fitting way for me to say goodbye. if you run into Rick up there please give him hell for not coming around more often, i miss him like crazy.

thanks again for coming into my life, im real grateful to know you.

xoxo
-c