14 months

Yesterday marked 14 months since my husband passed away from Hodgkin's Lymphoma. The monthly anniversaries of his passing dont seem quite as heavy as they had, but something about yesterday made me stop and think about just how long 14 months is, how much time has passed. Its sort of funny how time shifts, changes, seems to actually carry a different weight. In some ways, 14 months sounds like ages ago, and in other ways, it doesnt seem possible that so much time has gone by.

I think, in a way, my brain has been in survival mode- blurring out a lot of the last year and a half, fuzzing the details around the edges and running the days into each other. I think back over the last year or so and while some events stick out in my mind, most of it seems to run together. A long string of "medium" sort of days, a general undertone of sadness or maybe even lethargy.

Ive started making a more deliberate effort to get out there, do things, be alive, again. Its not always easy. Im trying to remember that life is fleeting, and not to be saddened by that, but to act because of it. My relationship with Rick was swift and jam packed full of fun, adventure and happiness. We did so many amazing things in the 32 months we had together. I almost feel ashamed for missing things in these last 14 months. I dont want to lose the possibility of all the good things that could happen in the next 14 months.