"Widow" is not a dirty word.

It came to my attention very recently that the term "widow" is not an option on Myspace when selecting a "Status" option in the general user info. Im really bothered by this because I feel that the other options dont apply to me. That being said, I feel like I need to reclaim the words "widow/widower".

I think people are afraid of it/us. Sure, our new status is difficult and comes with a lot of work to do. That doesnt mean we are some strage, mysterious creature, not the be trusted or gotten close to. I like to think that it says I was a part of a loving, special relationship, that ended not by choice but by circumstance.

To my friends I say, "Believe me." When I tell you I am ok you MUST trust that at that very moment I am. Every day is new as I work through this. I have good days and bad days. Some days all I do is smile when I think of my husband, other days I can only cry. This doesnt mean that when I tell you I am ok, Im really lying or covering up my feelings to spare you the details. It simply means that I am ok. Not awesome, not wonderful, not wallowing in misery. When those times come I hope you'll be there too, but when Im ok trust me and let me be ok for as long as it lasts.

To the cancer community I say, "Dont ignore me." Bereaved spouses seem to have so few resources. Sure, my partner's story may not be an American Cancer Society commercial waiting to happen, but its mine, and it connects me to the larger community of those dealing with cancer in so many capacities. Im not going to rain on your parade of positivity, nor is my "widowdom" any more contagious than the cancer that put me here. I shouldnt get kicked out of the club because my story didnt have the happiest ending. Its still a story of hope, love, trust and living.

Being a widow is now a part of my story, a learning experience that makes me who I am. I learned this acceptance from my husband- that every experience has value, and it only has the power over you that you give it. It has happened, you have no choice but to accept it, so now what do you do with it?

You all already know my answer to that.

What now, not what if

Its an inevitable temptation, to ask questions-

What if Rick had health insurance?

What if he had a stem cell transplant last summer?

What if he was still alive?

We can ponder the answers and never come to any real conclusion, which truly, now, doesnt even matter. I've found in the last several weeks that I have to avoid the lure of thinking about these things, and focus more on a bigger question- What now?

This blog is the first step in answering that question.

There are many reasons why young adult cancer has lower survival rates than other demographic groups, one of which being that young adults are more often un- or underinsured. I can not say with any certainty that our family's outcome would have been different had Rick had health insurance (his doctor was amazing and made every option possible available to us), but we did learn how difficult it is to find health insurance or help paying for medications. Beyond that, lack of insurance coverage contributes to late diagnosis, which also impacts outcomes for young adults with cancer. 

So, now, it is our responsibility to advocate on behalf of those young adults for better health care options and access to care, to raise awareness of young adult cancers and the unique needs of those affected by it. The challenge is access- access to care, access to resources, access to each other.  As opportunities to get involved arise, I will post them here, so please check back often.