Wednesday, March 24, 2010

53 weeks.

Its been one year and one week since my husband passed away. The one year anniversary was last Wednesday, and it went by with very little commentary from yours truly. I think that surprised a lot of people.

What Ive learned over this last year is that the markers that might remind other people of Rick's absence arent necessarily the same things that remind me. I live with him not being here every day.

Today the weather reminded me of the day each year when, after so many cold months, my husband would decide it was time to shave off the beard and hair he had allowed to grow all winter. The transformation from wooly mountain man to baby faced boy was always surprising and exciting. Remembering this, I cried on my drive home from work. Wishing he could feel the warmth of the sun on his skin and knowing he never would again. Yesterday I had a serious melt down, a let down after the positivity of the weekend's events, a great dissatisfaction at not being able to share my successes with him.

Sometimes I feel guilty for being happy, or worried that I'll never be the kind of happy I want to be. Its up and down, back and forth, easy and hard. Life as a widow is unpredictable. An x on the calendar can mean everything or nothing at all.

I dont mean to be a downer, especially with so many wonderful things going on with BRICKS right now. I do, though, think its important to be honest and open about my experience. So today, the 53 week anniversary of my husband's death, gets a big thumbs down from me. Tomorrow, back to business as usual.

Full updates and more photos of the booklet release will be posted soon, I promise. Thanks for sticking with me, friends.

1 comment:

  1. I don't know how you do it, sweetie. I'm still afraid of cancer advocacy at nearly 4 years out. Then again, I know it works for you. Keep living your truth, and keep in touch.